Caught between a hunk of frozen rock in a very hard place, and the gentlemanly art of diplomacy, Canada and Denmark continue to duke it out over Hans Island by strict Marquis of Queensbury rules. 

And while they exchange gentlemanly jabs and jibes over ownership of the tiny island, a lot of folks on both sides have some pretty novel ideas for settling the dust up. Fortunately, nowhere do any of their propositions mention "shock and awe."

First up is one from Greenland's vice-premier - and it's sure to set off a major wussie alert among our gung-ho Yank neighbors. But this ain't Ah-marka, thankfully, so let's hear what the nice man from Greenland has to say...

He suggests Canada and Denmark should stage a joint musical concert on Hans Island to diffuse the current "primitive" political muscle-flexing by the two nations.

Josef Motzfeldt says it's a more civilized way to resolve the disagreement over who actually owns the tiny hunk of rock located between Denmark's semi-autonomous Greenland and Canada's Ellesmere Island.

Trouble is, old Joe suggests the concert take place next summer. And as we all know, that sure as hell leaves a whole lot of fussin' 'n fightin' time in between. Plus, it's brass monkey cold up there winter and summer. So I figure the poor bastards in the brass section are in for a world of hurt.

Personally, I say we challenge the Danes to an outdoor hockey game on Hans Island - winner take all.

Hell...and to reduce the casualty count on their side, we could even play international rules, eh? And I suppose we could even spot them five or six goals, too.

Now that's what I'd call being mighty magnanimous in victory....it's just the Canadian way, I suppose....

Some of the best suggestions, however, come from a guy named John Stevens. He's an Ontario teacher, and he sent them in to my old alma mater, The Toronto Star. Among them:

- Rename it Cherry or Gretzky Island.

- Put a conference centre on it and send any group that wants to negotiate a contract that inconveniences the public to the island and leave them there until it is hammered out.

- It could be a nice place to send released convicts who are trying to stop the media from reporting on them.

- Build a hockey rink and they will come.

- Populate the island with beavers and any other critter that Denmark doesn't have.

- Size of a football field, eh? The CFL has been looking for another Eastern franchise.

- Start a radio station there that only plays Canadian content or even a TV station, such as "The New HA." (When do these "new" stations become old?)

- Erect a Tim Hortons.

- As a last resort we can claim that the Danes are hiding weapons of mass destruction there, swoop down and make the claim that we are saving the world from a crisis.

- Ah, why don't we just flip a coin with the Danes using the lucky loonie that was at centre ice during the Salt Lake City Olympics. Then we are sure to win.

****

Even a few "experts" are weighing in with expert opinion. Of course, you can't really expect Canadians to debate anything without first getting the experts take on stuff. Otherwise, it wouldn't really be a Canadian debate, right?

Anyway, some experts say that if Canadian or Danish officials really want to make the strongest case possible that the island is part of their respective countries, the best way to do it would be to inhabit the area or, at the very least, promote some scientific research.

(It's also a damned good way to pry some grant money out of those crooked bastards in Ottawa, especially considering the minority Liberal New Democratic Party seems to have it to burn these days, eh?)

"Certainly if you don't occupy a region, that can weaken your case," says Ron Macnab, a retired marine geophysicist.

"And a good way to occupy a region is to get up there and do some work or to have people live there."

Hans Island, of course, is so far north and so tiny that most experts don't believe it's worth much right now. But there could be mineral resources under the adjacent sea bed and, should global warming make the area more hospitable, it could prove to be economically important.

Another expert figures that if the issue goes to an international tribunal, the first question normally asked will be whether the claimant actually occupies the land.

Rob Huebert, a political scientist with the University of Calgary's Centre for Military and Strategic Studies, says establishing ownership of a one-square-kilometre chunk of rock in the high Arctic is a little more difficult because it's uninhabitable.

That's why it's important to send official parties representing the state to the area, he says.

"To make a crude analogy, it's like a dog marking its territory. Official representatives from the country are important."

The frequency of visits also matters, and Prof. Huebert expects Canada would almost certainly respond with another tour of the island should the Danes again send their own ship later this month as they're promising to.

"We will definitely have to respond again," Huebert says.

And...For you "shock and awe" fanatics out there, according to the latest tallies of military readiness from Jane's Information Group, any military conflict would likely be a ramshackle affair - a case of our 29 obsolete Sea King helicopters defeating their eight.

Here's a brief comparison of Us vs. Them:

Total defence spending in 2004: Canada $10.2-billion (U.S.); Denmark $3-billion.

Military spending as a percentage of GDP: Canada 1.2 per cent; Denmark 1.3 per cent.

Total troop strength of land, sea and air forces: Canada 43,000; Denmark 23,860.

Navies: Canada 12 frigates, 4 destroyers, 4 submarines; Denmark 7 frigates, 14 fast attack craft.

Armour: Canada 114 Leopard tanks; Denmark 218 Leopard tanks.

Shoulder-held anti-tank rocket launchers: Canada 1,100; Denmark 1,100.

Fighter planes: Canada 83 CF-18 Hornets; Denmark 68 Lockheed Martin F-16s.

Choppers: Canada 29 Sea Kings and 15 Cormorants; Denmark 8 Sea Kings.

So...just how big - or rather small - is Hans Island?.

Well, you can fit about three Hans Islands into Stanley Park(4 sq. km)

You can almost fit Hans Island into Lake Louise (1.2 sq. km)

And 4,300 Hans Islands would fit into Prince Edward Island (5,600 sq. km)

But for the last word on Hans Island and why the current dispute over it is far from a laughing matter, this is what a Toronto Star editorial had to say:

Despite the inevitable jokes about Hans Island, there was a serious underlying reason for Defence Minister Bill Graham's recent visit.

Such trips are crucial for asserting Canada's own sovereignty over our vast far north. Since the U.S. oil supertanker Manhattan navigated the Northwest Passage in 1969 without seeking Canadian permission, Canada has found its claim to the Arctic archipelago and its waters disputed by many, including NATO countries and the U.S. In particular, Washington insists the passages through our Arctic islands are international waterways - not Canadian.

It was only in 1987 that the U.S. agreed to seek "prior consent" before sending surface vessels through Arctic waters. Submarines were not included in the accord and the U.S. still does not acknowledge our ownership of the waters there.

Incidentally, folks....Inuit hunters and several Canadian polar scientists have over the past several years sighted "mysterious" submarines manoevering in Canadian Arctic waters.

Now... based on the fact they sure as hell can't be our subs because our's either go down like a rock, or up in flames, I wonder just who those mysterious subs belong to, don't you?

And I don't suppose whoever's in those mysterious subs would be mapping possible future shipping routes through our Northwest Passage?

-Sources: Toronto Star, Globe and Mail, National Post, Canadian Press, Canadian American Strategic Review, CBC, The Flea.

Just to let you know that we linked to you in our round up of this story: CRISIS in the ARCTIC! http://independentsources.com/2005/07/31/hans-island-spat-roundup/:o